scent

Yesterday as I was walking,there was this girl passing by me,and what happend was that she had this parfume wich I defined as 'nice'.Here is where I've discovered that I still.define scent according to polarity.So this one is little 'tricky' to get over with as the reaction was so automatic that my body reacted even before the thought occured.Also this scent brought some past memories while sensing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define something outside of me as 'nice',founded on a perceptual idea of what nice could be defined in a separation of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when women pass by me with a scent of parfume, instead of staying focused on my breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose focus of my breath when I notice the scent of parfume that this woman wear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in polarity manifestation by defining scent according to polarity.

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself to have pictures in my head of certain person when sensing a scent of parfume that this person used to wear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have past memories in my head when sensing scent of parfume,instead of realizing that this is mind trying to bring curiosity within me to follow this thoughts, so that I can focus on the past instead of being here with me in and as the breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a picture of my last girlfriend when sensing the scent of parfume which she used to wear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the scent of parfume which which women passing by me wear,awake past memories of my last relationship in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the scent of parfume awake memories of how I used to be in a relationship with my last girlfriend and how she used to smell.

why?

It's been a couple of months now since I started this process of stoping the mind.I got all tool needed from desteni site,but missed' some points at begining and 'fell' few times but allways found where the point is being 'missed'.I applyed the knowledge given and was doing 'well' by focusing on the breath,applying self-forgivness and writing a journal but last days kinda got 'stuck' and having 'difficulties' finding-where is point being 'mis'ed.I 'wanted' to shere with others,by opening this blog,what is it that I am experiencing so that we could support eachoth'r.By doing this we are suppoting ourselves becouse we are one and equal.S o I woke up today just to find myself 'having thoughts.The most 'difficult' time for me focusing on my breath is just when I wake up.Last days I kinda feelstuck,and can't find what is being 'missed here.Having a 'feeling' as being lost and 'feeling nervousnes' in my stomach kinda like when you want to throw up.So as I was looking to find out what is cousing this and why after so much time now of being here as the breath am I--falling' like n'ver before.With what I came up is that,mabey I got this to hrd on myself,like being in a boot camp.I'm self-disciplined but mabey being to much,is what is cousing this as I stoped exercising which I did since I was 14 becouse I find out that my m'nd is mostly active then while lifting weights,shorten up my sleep to 5-6 hours and when being self-honest kinda looking to not interact with many people.But what suprise me is that the more I did this-- started to experiance some kind of 'depresion' and lostnes which,I didn't had before.This brought confusion while geting this feeling in the morning or throughout a day,I 'start wandering' why,and funny enough start 'falling in the mind' looking for an answer.I 'think' mabey mi'nd is fighting for itself and cousing my body to react this way.Now I will 'try' to balance things,take them slowly,see what happens.Now some self-forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and let the thoughts circle around in my head trying to bring confusion within me trying to bring me down.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself by feeling guilt for allowing myself to think and participate in the mind instead of being here in the moment as the breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for allowing mysef to feel 'stuck' instead of realising that feeling stuck is state of mind and that as I stand up for myself I will move and direct myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have myself to believe that in the morning is the most difficul time to focus on breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to participate in the mind and exist in the mind instead of being here with and as the breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist me instead of directing me,moving me, expresing me.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to focus on the breath and be silent and still within myself instead leting mind controling me and telling me how should I behave what should I say.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the mind,when facing the point I faced before and wandering why am I facing it again,and looking for an answer within the mind instead of living the question and the answer.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a fear of falling into the mind and letting the mind controling me instead of realising that mind can only do that if I allow that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am 'stuck' and can't find way out instead of trusting myself that I am directing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervousnes in my stomach and focus on the nervousnes in my stomach instead of focusing on my breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be confused and letting the mind telling that I am confused instead of realisin that is mind being confused and not me as I am here in the moment as the breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be depressed anbecouse I let the mind telling me how my state is instead of standing up and directin and moving myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'lost',intead of realizing that I can't be lost and that I am here standing as life as one and equal as all.

in begining

I grow up in a small town where any move you make was watched and if out of ordinary judged.As a kid I didn't care for other people opinions about me as I was just expresing myself,but as I grow older,fear of being different kicked in.Not giving comments on other people behavior,or not judging others could label you as boring and strange and could leave you easily without friends.But no,I didn't want that so I made sure that don't happen to me.So I changed completely in order to fit in.I don't know the exact point but I guess it happened gradually(don't know if this is the right word).So the kid that I once was 'died' within me,and I become no different then anybody else just like society 'wanted' me to be.I was so good at this fitin' in,that I didn't 'recognise' myself anymore.Gossip was a gospel in this town,so the more you speak behind others people back,more you are interesting and more friends you got.This is a place where almost everybody is a christian, and being anything beside that makes you an outsider.I as raised christian started questioning 'God' at a very young age.I r'member just before starting to sleep ,I would close my eyes and think as this world is all that is,as there is nothing else and as we are here by 'accident'.Then a strange feeling of fear' would go trough me,but not in normal way,this was something as a mixed 'coctail of feelings' wich coused me to later on,start looking for some answers about this existance.But strange enough as though I 'hated this feeling when thinking,that there is nothing afterlife,I continue doing it from time to time.I kinda 'liked' being scared to death(strange).As time went by I more often started asking myself question:"Who am I?",and what is the point or 'purpose' to all this.So I decided to start looking for some answers.I started reading bieble but the more I read more confused I got.So I just stoped reading for there was a lot contradicions and also brought more fear' to me?Than I started looking for paranormal phenomena and on my suprise there was a lot of proof which indicated that people still exist after death.I was intrigued by that and investigated further.Just knowing that you still exist was not enough for me becouse I wanted to know what the 'hell are we doing here.This question lead me to study a lot of subject from different religions to philosophy to...I actually neve' thought of 'God' as a old bearded man,which is why I found interesting the 'lost' gospel of judas.I kinda had a 'feeling' that my searching for answer will lead me to the 'core of the truth'.So all came together when I read the book called ''seth speaks".I was trying at that time to place the pieces together from every subject that I read to fit the 'puzzle',and a lot from Seth material made sense to me at that time.Still there was something missing or so I 'felt',so I started reading mostly all channelings from Kryon,Abraham-Hicks,the Group....I even bought a book from Sanaya Roman:"opening to channel",in order to get some answers for myself,but with no result?Then I decided to go and visit some of channelers in order to get some answers.I found one lady who was chanelling 'themaster of the galaxy' through son who died.I sheduled private sesion and went to visit her.She was lovely lady who sad that she is channeling for many years and that her son who died is making conection between her and the being that she channel becouse he is far from this dimension.I asked why am I here,and the purpose' for being here.The answer was that,I am here---to bring 'harmony here on earth and that I'll be able to speak with nature,anymals...that I'll;travel around the world--and spread the 'energy' of 'harmony';and be some kind of leader in next 20 years.I 'wanted to check what would some other channel say so I visited "the group" which sad things basicly the same but bit different.They sad that I---would channel and write many books and help' a lot of people.It was all based on hope.At that time I was--meditating on equality and ones--but that was based on'love'(doing a lot. of self-forgivenesses on this one).Than one they while checking some spiritual site I've found desteni.Here started a new 'chapter'' of my life!