in begining

I grow up in a small town where any move you make was watched and if out of ordinary judged.As a kid I didn't care for other people opinions about me as I was just expresing myself,but as I grow older,fear of being different kicked in.Not giving comments on other people behavior,or not judging others could label you as boring and strange and could leave you easily without friends.But no,I didn't want that so I made sure that don't happen to me.So I changed completely in order to fit in.I don't know the exact point but I guess it happened gradually(don't know if this is the right word).So the kid that I once was 'died' within me,and I become no different then anybody else just like society 'wanted' me to be.I was so good at this fitin' in,that I didn't 'recognise' myself anymore.Gossip was a gospel in this town,so the more you speak behind others people back,more you are interesting and more friends you got.This is a place where almost everybody is a christian, and being anything beside that makes you an outsider.I as raised christian started questioning 'God' at a very young age.I r'member just before starting to sleep ,I would close my eyes and think as this world is all that is,as there is nothing else and as we are here by 'accident'.Then a strange feeling of fear' would go trough me,but not in normal way,this was something as a mixed 'coctail of feelings' wich coused me to later on,start looking for some answers about this existance.But strange enough as though I 'hated this feeling when thinking,that there is nothing afterlife,I continue doing it from time to time.I kinda 'liked' being scared to death(strange).As time went by I more often started asking myself question:"Who am I?",and what is the point or 'purpose' to all this.So I decided to start looking for some answers.I started reading bieble but the more I read more confused I got.So I just stoped reading for there was a lot contradicions and also brought more fear' to me?Than I started looking for paranormal phenomena and on my suprise there was a lot of proof which indicated that people still exist after death.I was intrigued by that and investigated further.Just knowing that you still exist was not enough for me becouse I wanted to know what the 'hell are we doing here.This question lead me to study a lot of subject from different religions to philosophy to...I actually neve' thought of 'God' as a old bearded man,which is why I found interesting the 'lost' gospel of judas.I kinda had a 'feeling' that my searching for answer will lead me to the 'core of the truth'.So all came together when I read the book called ''seth speaks".I was trying at that time to place the pieces together from every subject that I read to fit the 'puzzle',and a lot from Seth material made sense to me at that time.Still there was something missing or so I 'felt',so I started reading mostly all channelings from Kryon,Abraham-Hicks,the Group....I even bought a book from Sanaya Roman:"opening to channel",in order to get some answers for myself,but with no result?Then I decided to go and visit some of channelers in order to get some answers.I found one lady who was chanelling 'themaster of the galaxy' through son who died.I sheduled private sesion and went to visit her.She was lovely lady who sad that she is channeling for many years and that her son who died is making conection between her and the being that she channel becouse he is far from this dimension.I asked why am I here,and the purpose' for being here.The answer was that,I am here---to bring 'harmony here on earth and that I'll be able to speak with nature,anymals...that I'll;travel around the world--and spread the 'energy' of 'harmony';and be some kind of leader in next 20 years.I 'wanted to check what would some other channel say so I visited "the group" which sad things basicly the same but bit different.They sad that I---would channel and write many books and help' a lot of people.It was all based on hope.At that time I was--meditating on equality and ones--but that was based on'love'(doing a lot. of self-forgivenesses on this one).Than one they while checking some spiritual site I've found desteni.Here started a new 'chapter'' of my life!