why?

It's been a couple of months now since I started this process of stoping the mind.I got all tool needed from desteni site,but missed' some points at begining and 'fell' few times but allways found where the point is being 'missed'.I applyed the knowledge given and was doing 'well' by focusing on the breath,applying self-forgivness and writing a journal but last days kinda got 'stuck' and having 'difficulties' finding-where is point being 'mis'ed.I 'wanted' to shere with others,by opening this blog,what is it that I am experiencing so that we could support eachoth'r.By doing this we are suppoting ourselves becouse we are one and equal.S o I woke up today just to find myself 'having thoughts.The most 'difficult' time for me focusing on my breath is just when I wake up.Last days I kinda feelstuck,and can't find what is being 'missed here.Having a 'feeling' as being lost and 'feeling nervousnes' in my stomach kinda like when you want to throw up.So as I was looking to find out what is cousing this and why after so much time now of being here as the breath am I--falling' like n'ver before.With what I came up is that,mabey I got this to hrd on myself,like being in a boot camp.I'm self-disciplined but mabey being to much,is what is cousing this as I stoped exercising which I did since I was 14 becouse I find out that my m'nd is mostly active then while lifting weights,shorten up my sleep to 5-6 hours and when being self-honest kinda looking to not interact with many people.But what suprise me is that the more I did this-- started to experiance some kind of 'depresion' and lostnes which,I didn't had before.This brought confusion while geting this feeling in the morning or throughout a day,I 'start wandering' why,and funny enough start 'falling in the mind' looking for an answer.I 'think' mabey mi'nd is fighting for itself and cousing my body to react this way.Now I will 'try' to balance things,take them slowly,see what happens.Now some self-forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and let the thoughts circle around in my head trying to bring confusion within me trying to bring me down.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself by feeling guilt for allowing myself to think and participate in the mind instead of being here in the moment as the breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for allowing mysef to feel 'stuck' instead of realising that feeling stuck is state of mind and that as I stand up for myself I will move and direct myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have myself to believe that in the morning is the most difficul time to focus on breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to participate in the mind and exist in the mind instead of being here with and as the breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist me instead of directing me,moving me, expresing me.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to focus on the breath and be silent and still within myself instead leting mind controling me and telling me how should I behave what should I say.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the mind,when facing the point I faced before and wandering why am I facing it again,and looking for an answer within the mind instead of living the question and the answer.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a fear of falling into the mind and letting the mind controling me instead of realising that mind can only do that if I allow that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am 'stuck' and can't find way out instead of trusting myself that I am directing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervousnes in my stomach and focus on the nervousnes in my stomach instead of focusing on my breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be confused and letting the mind telling that I am confused instead of realisin that is mind being confused and not me as I am here in the moment as the breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be depressed anbecouse I let the mind telling me how my state is instead of standing up and directin and moving myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'lost',intead of realizing that I can't be lost and that I am here standing as life as one and equal as all.