Mar 28, 2008

movement

I am tired these days.Theres been a lot going on.Till now i've been mostly stoping things.Actually i stoped them quite some time ago...and stayed there...but without movement.I've stoped.and been in the period of waiting.Waiting for what?Waiting for life to direct me.and the more i stayed this way-more frustrated i got...being somwhere in between.I realised that i've been resisting to many things.Still participating in polarity,but only the other side of the coin{by resisting}.i wanted 'easier' way...wanted 'shorter' way..but there is no such a thing,is it?for me was ''easier'' to just stop participation then turning it into self -expresion.I move--but still somtimes mind moves...comes in waves...its a struggle.Before i thoght:mind STOP=movement occurs.but no-after mind STOP-thers point in between if i dont mov e....and is frustrating if staying there.Its actually me directing myself fro m there[[which till now i was not quite 'succesfull' at]].Now everything got to be s-movement, s-expresion--or instead being in this point in between-where i dont want to find msyelf again.All this time before, wherever i got that 'stuck' feeling-was actually me wiating for life to move me,to direct me-instead of me doing it myself.

Mar 24, 2008

scream

Today i went to a coffey house.Brought my journal with me and did some writing there while being around all these ppl.Laud chater everywhere around me.I k new that very soon somthing is going to distract me.I experianced being there-(in and as the breath)-like phisicly working in the field.Somone would do somthing which would triger thoughts to start poping up.Thats why i went there in a first place....to test msyelf,to see if there is any re-actions towards anythin' or anyone.I found,being home..in and as the breath..going smoothly,trough all day with very litle thoughts.But for a difference going out(to a crowded place like this one),with to many ppl around,it comes screaming back to me.What i experianced is like all these ppl have one job to do--to distract ME.It's interesting watching differnt behaviors of others..and noticing where i bhave the same way,but not realising until seeing it in others.Mind trying to hide them frm me.There is allways somthing popping up, showing me where i'm not clear yet.At som' point i was applaying S-F for msyelf,then when seeing somone doing somthing(like arguing)...placing them as me and applying S-F as thm as me...so at 1 point all i did was (constantly) applying S-F (no pouse)for all that tiime ...and actually at that 1 point i wanted to get up and start screaming.Then after som' time,thing started gting 'better'.finaly silence within msyelf.

Mar 20, 2008

touch

While typing on a keyboard I tend to loose-focus on the breath.I find typing forgivnesess on the computer--not effective that much as writing them.Thats why I allways write them with pen in m y notebook.While writing I focus on the thouch of the pen...with breath-this keeps me completly focused.Breath is foundation...but touch is what..supports me greatly.Thats why I allways have something in my hands,like a key chain or coins-focusin on touch and the breath at the same time...it keeps me Here in the moment.I watched one of the Andrew videos givin' a tip abouth showering with lights turned of..focusing on touch,being aware of the body.I tryed this and its the o nly wa y Im doing it now.Its fascinating how much more of the body...am aware then.Cant see anything-so my focus is completly on the touch...which keeps me here,without mind interfering.Payin' attenton on the body movements,like:-while walking focusing on my shoes,the clapping sound of shoes,way my feet feeels inside them..seeing everything as- alive.Cold breeze,bird chirpin' or noise in the city..by payin' attenton to all this..no room for mind interfering.I'm turning everythin' in self-support..not taking anythin' for granted.As I said (for me)breath=amazzing,but without all the 'other' support..i would have much harder time..bieng Here in the moment.

Mar 16, 2008

noise

Last days I am going more in crowded places..more intercting with other ppl,communicating,testing myseslf,seeing if there is any reactions wthin,to apply self-forgivnes for.Thats what I 'missed' before-just realized that.I kinda 'secluded' myself-me and process,all day long--went all good,but when interacting with to many ppl at once --started loosing focus.When walking in the nature,by sea shore ...like 'peacefull' enviroment,was so easier to be''silent within myself...but then for a change walking through the city,to many things start..getting your attention.So I started now,being more in crowded places..just being silent where is 'noise- focused on my breath..where there is to many things trying to distract me.Thats when I am 'testing' myself...see if there is any movement from within-any reaction.Last days I've been noticing,while being in dfferent kind of situations--that I 'try to not to pay attention to them.When seeing ppl doing somthing that seek my attention,I 'try to pretend' like nothing is happening..just so the thoughts don't sart poping up.You see somone doing this,other doing that...then curiosity kicks in...so I noticed that by not 'paying attention to such situations... that then curiosity emerge and they become more intense.I tryed so many tiimes to ignore the situation..but found out thoughts re more 'intense' coz of curiosity.So a lot easier to actually pay 'attention' to a situation'..not trying to ignore it,see if thoughts arise,and then applying self-forgvnes,delete thm and move on.

Mar 12, 2008

breath

I just went out for a walk.Wind is blowing which I e-njoy becouse it goes against my skin-- keeps' me here in the moment,its amazzzing how much support there is to 'keep you aware, focused on the breath.Thats why I e-njoy being in the nature,taking a walk,being' myself.Just breathing,geting away from the computer for a bit-- when sitting tomuch at computer I kinda- start 'losing' focus on breathing.When it is cold and rain outside also 'great support' ,raindrops falling on my face,me just here in the moment breathing.I found out that last days am kinda 'pushing' myself- trying to do many things at once-expeccting immediate results.Apllying forgivnesess bu t while applying 'losing' focus of breath-kinda 'forgeting the point' of being here,breathing,being in the moment.I e-njoy taking these long walks in the nature- found out mi'nd is 'less active' then,no d'stracions.
I AM NATURE
I AM THE WIND
I AM THE RAIN
I AM THE SNOW
I AM THE EARTH
I AM THE THREE
I AM THE SUN
I AM THE MOON
I AM THE AIR
I AM WATER
I AM LIFE
I AM SILENCE
I AM BREATH
I AM HERE
I AM AWARE

Mar 10, 2008

blogs

I just r ealized that while reading something for the first time,and have a und'rstanding of that, by reading it another time(another hour,day,month doesn't matter) I kinda see the points that didn't noticed before.Thats why I even read some of the blogs of others more than once and 'everytime realize' something new about it.While reading blogs of others I've noticed how much 'our processes are similar.We ar' mostly facing the same is'ues which really shows how the 'mind' works.Very often in som'ones blog I notice the points that I am fac'ing now or that I've faced before.Even when I t'ink that I dealt with some particul'r point while reading som'ones post on blog,I realiz'e that I 'missed' som'thing which this person is writing about.When 'facing the point' wich I find diffic'lt and start t'inking that I am the 'only one' facing this just to find out there are a lot of pthers going trough the same thing.Sometimes I got fr'strated when I face the point that I th'ink I've dealt with before just to 'create more reasons' for applying self-forgivnes,instead puting that b'hind me and just moving on.I tend to get irittatedd and fall into the 'mind' getting cough't in curiosity to follow the though'ts.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at myself when facing the same point that I have dealt with before instead of realizing that there are 'more then one layer' of that point which I have to apply self-forgivness for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself by feeling guilt for allowing myself to get angry and frustrated when facing the same point that I've faced before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tend to fall into the mind 'searching' for the point being 'missed' instead of being here moving me,directing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for the answer within the mind instead living the question and 'walking' into and living the answer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'sorry' for myself and get cought in that 'self-pity' mode and blaming everything outside of myself when facing the same point that I faced before instead of being here,standing up and taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts and get cought in curiosity to follow them like they can show me where the point is being 'missed',instead of realising that thoughs will just go in rounds leading me nowhere near the answer for the answer is not within the mind.

Mar 8, 2008

laugh

Today my --friend- is coming to visit me.I know her for some years now and she-helped me with so many things.She likes sometimes to tell jokes which mostly I don't find quite 'funny' but nevertheless I laugh on them just in order to be 'polite'.Last days I heard a lot of jokes- many of them were 'funny' but a lot of them-didn't get or found not funny.Most of the stories or jokes-I hear from ppl that I kno w since my childhood.I've shared many laughs and cries with most of them.They don't want you to be differennt for they 'like' you the way you are-the way you always have been.I find myself very often in 'situations' when they tell me some stories or some jokes-some of them I don't find 'funny' but still laugh coz of fearr that I might insult them by not laughing.When they tell the joke and start laughing I can't -help but laugh for the fear that they might be insulted and get angry at me.Especiaally with elders coz I grew up-being told that you always 'must respect' older than yourself-so I laugh fearing that by not laughing they will see me as not 'polite' and r ude,and will turn back on me or n'ver speak to me again.It's just har'd being that blunt with ppl.Just to tell some-one,(when being asked why I havn't laughed),in honesty that I didn't find joke 'funny' is still kinda 'hard' for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh on jokes even though I don't find them 'funny' but laugh just in order to be 'polite'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others might think of me if I just be honest and express myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not laughing on other people jokes becouse I fear what their reaction would be,that they might get angry at me and stop speaking to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing those around me becouse I have identified myself how they percieve me to be instead of realising that I am here and can't lose anything that I am in this world but not of this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a fear of being jugded by others and defined as not 'polite' and 'rude'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that when joke being told it must be 'funny' and so when it's not I allowed myself to define person as not being 'funny' thus defining person according to the words they speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the words of others and giving a meaning to them thus defining a person according to the words they speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for the same things which I've done or still do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about 'feelings and emotions of others instead of realising that only mind care for feellings and emotions and that me as who I am is not emotions,thoughts or feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care what others might think of me when I express myself and fearing what their reaction would be instead standing here as the breath being stable and not careing for anything or anyone becouse only mind care.

I do not allow myself to participate in thoughts,emotions and feelings.
I do not allow myself to care about what others think of me.
I do not allow myself to fear judgment of others.
I do not allow myself to fear losing those around me when being honest.
I do not allow myself to exist within the mind.
I do not allow myself to have resistance within me.

I AM STRENGTH.

I AM COURAGE.

I AM TRUST.

I AM STABLE.

Mar 6, 2008

silence

When there is nothing to say,yet wanting to say something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to say something to someone when there is nothing to say at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have myself believe that I should say something just in order to 'break' silence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to say something when being around others just to make others be 'comfortable' in my presence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to say something so that others may think and say that I am 'interesting'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have myself to believe that when being in presence of others it is 'unatural' to be silent and thus I speak to be 'polite'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to speak when being around others just so that they can think that I am 'interesting' and thus wanting to be in my presence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to sound 'inteligent' when speaking to others and so I take on act and choose words 'carefully'.

I forgive myself that I heve accepted and allowed words to direct me instead me directing me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I have not something to say in presence of others that they will think that I am not 'interesting' and thus don't want to be around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that someone might think that I am 'stupid' if I don't say much while being in their presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself by feeling guilt when saying something to someone just in order to 'break' the silence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by others if I stay silent in their presence when having nothing to say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start fidgeting when being alone with someone and have nothing to say but wanting something to say just in order to 'break' the silence,instead of me being here with and as the breat and not letting situation to contrtol me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have desire to present myself to others in a way that I would like others to percieve me and that is why I take on act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let certain situations to direct me instead of me directing me and me moving me.
I do not allow situations to direct me.
I do not allow mind to direct me.
I do not allow others to direct me.
I do not allow thoughts to direct me.
I DIRECT ME.
I MOVE ME.
I EXPRESS ME.

Mar 3, 2008

sleep

Till now I slept mostly 5-6 hours per day with intention to gradually come to the point where I would sleep max. 4 hours per day.Today I just did that and woke up at 4 am but made a decision that while being awake do nothing but focus on my breath and be silent and still within myself,and stay away from anything wich would entertain the mind such as watching TV or anything else for that matter.So I woke up and start focusing on my breath,and stoping all thoughts that would arise.Here in all silence there was this shiny clock in my room which started reminding me of the time and how slowly it was going.Than sence of 'bordom' started kicking in,thoughts started intensifying re'minding me how long time this is to stay focused on the breath and do nothing,so I started being 'tempted' to turn on Tv or do somthing to stop 'bordom'.But as everything was quiet and I was kinda laying on the sofa i realized that I would be falling a sleep if I don't get up and start moving,so I decided to write my journal until the sun rise so that I could go out for a walk in park.When walking in the nature thats the time where I could easily be silent and still within myself.I AM NATURE.I AM BREATH.I AM EARTH.I AM HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be 'bored' instead of realising that bordom is a state of mind and is not real so it is just the mind trying to 'lure' me into thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let thoughts popping up in my head trying to bring curiosity within me to follow them and do something which is defined as 'fun'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the 'bordom' will get to me and that I'll do something which is defined as 'fun' instead of trusting myself that I am here as the breath and that nothing moves me or direct me but me directing myself and me moving myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the clock in my room distract me by showing me the time and letting me lose focus of my breath.